Parenting by Design

Day 1

Proverbs 3:12   12 because the lord disciplines those he loves,as a father the son he delights in.

DISCIPLINE AND LOVE

As hard as it is to deliver a consequence to a child for a bad choice, the alternative can often be even worse. When I am tempted to forego discipline, I have to ask myself, “What is the most loving thing I can do for my child?” In almost every case, the answer is to give the child the consequence he has earned, so he can learn the lesson God has designed for him.

A good consequence, delivered with empathy, demonstrates love and respect for your child’s freedom to choose and his ability to learn from the consequence of a bad decision. The author of Hebrews says it well: “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness” (Heb 12:11).

Day 2

Romans 5:3-5 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

DISCIPLINE, CHARACTER, and HOPE

When our children suffer, whether from their own bad choices or those of someone else, we want so badly to rescue them from the pain or to tell them how to avoid finding themselves in that predicament again. But, God has another plan — to perfect them through their trials. Character-building lessons are rarely learned from the triumphs of life. Rather, it is the trials in our lives that teach us how to persevere despite the pain. Taking trials away from our kids deprives them of the chance to grow, build character, and learn to hope in God.

The best character-building lessons are learned from trials. Don’t inhibit your child’s growth by rescuing them from or taking over difficult situations.

Day 3

James 1:19-20   19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

QUICK TO LISTEN, SLOW TO SPEAK

When you are faced with disrespectful, disobedient, or rebellious behavior, it is natural to get angry. Unfortunately the natural response is least likely to uncover the heart issues that lie underneath the child’s bad behavior. This is because the “anger of man” distracts us from a pursuit of righteousness. The anger of a parent confronted with a child’s poor choice shifts the focus from the child’s bad behavior to the parent’s angry response.

These verses tell us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Listening carefully, speaking little, and helping your child explore the motives behind his behavior can lead to the sort of insight that points the child toward the righteousness of God. Replace anger with empathy, and see what happens.

Responding to disobedience with empathy rather than anger is difficult, but the reward is great.

Day 4

Ephesians 4:15   15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

EMPATHY

“Our love grows soft if it is not strengthened by truth, and our truth grows hard if it is not softened by love.” — John Stott.

The essence of empathy is balancing truth and love. A rescuing parent leans heavily on love, but shies away from truth. A dictating parent leans heavily on truth, but mixes in little love. A counselor parent is able to express his love for the child no matter what they say or do, yet is strong enough to deliver appropriate consequences and to allow his child to struggle so that real learning takes place. It is a difficult balance, and our anxiety or anger often reveals where we fall on the continuum between rescuer and dictator. Is your love too soft, or your truth too hard?

Striking a balance between truth and love models our heavenly Father’s relationship with us.

Day 5

Romans 8:24-25   24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

HOPE IN THE UNSEEN

As Christians, we know how the story is going to end. Yet, the hope into which we have been saved is unseen. What we can see is the world and its demands. We must keep our minds focused on the unseen, or the pressure to live for today’s culture will swallow us up. The world demands our attention all the time, from every direction. The ever-present media (TV, magazines, newspapers, internet) distracts us from the unseen and lures us with the false hope of instant gratification. Fortunately, God provides a defense: “the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you” (Rom 8:11).

Demonstrate an eternal perspective for your kids. Talk about the messages the culture is sending and contrast them with the hope we have as followers of Christ.

Day 6

Romans 8:38-39   38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

HOPE IN THE LOVE OF CHRIST

The greatest gift you can give your kids is not the newest and best the world has to offer. It is the love of God through Jesus Christ. That is the gift that enables them to resist the creation’s lures and live in the love of the Creator. Your kids are going to be bombarded with messages from the world, and those promises are extraordinarily difficult to resist. In fact, they are impossible to resist without the indwelling Spirit. Introduce your kids to the gift that keeps on giving — grace.

Do you pursue God with the same fervor with which you pursue the things of the world? Your kids are watching

Day 7

Exodus 18:17-18   17 Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good.18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.

LEARNING TO SAY “NO”

Moses was going to work every day as the sole judge over all the tribes of Israel. The number of people demanding his time was so great he worked from dawn until dusk without making a dent in the workload. His father-in-law, Jethro, saw this and immediately recognized a man who could not say “no” to requests for his time. He suggested Moses focus on only two things — representing the people before God, and handling the most difficult of the disputes. The rest of the work could be delegated to capable men he appointed. Moses listened, delegated, and found himself doing far more than he had ever done before, but in much less time. If this advice worked for Moses, will it not also work for us?

Appropriate boundaries are important for everyone in the family. As the parent, you have the responsibility to set limits for your children and for yourself.

JOANNE